This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
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