I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
