I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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