I just saw a hot homeless man
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
