my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Randomize
