you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
as a side note pls kill me
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