We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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