you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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