you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I touched a dick in church today
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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