around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
