She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
