Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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