dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
