I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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