You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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