Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
