I could have mohawked her pubes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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