What did we do last night that was yellow?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize