Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
