Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
