i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
