I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
