Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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