So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize