Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
