I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
