Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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