i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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