I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
