Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
