I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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