mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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