i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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