Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
