I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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