to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
