put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
