My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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