Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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