I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
