Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
