i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Randomize
