You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Randomize