ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
