o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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