I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
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