Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
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