Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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