There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
