I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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