I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dicks are not precious.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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