the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
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