I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
