You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
