Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize