Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
