You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize