don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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