I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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