If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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