In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
