and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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