so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize