So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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