OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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