I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
