You don't have asthma, your pregnant
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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