Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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