ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
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