you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
